Online and Anonymous - Part 10

[sunmontue]

Title: Online and Anonymous

Pairing: Kurt Hummel/David Karofsky
Rating: PG18
Word count: ~2,100/85,000 words
Warnings: None. 
Summary: By day Dave is a quiet attentive school student, but by night he's a smut-writing fanfic-writer who ships Johnlock. Kurt's never heard of fanfiction before Blaine tells him about it but he's about to be exposed to a whole new world.

Author’s note: Caliena is writing something for this story, and I can’t say too much more without giving it away. I’ll leave you to your speculations. You have 2-3 chapters to place your bets.

Dave writing

Kurt writing

PART 1   PART 2   PART 3  PART 4   PART 5   PART 6   PART 7   PART 8    PART 9  

He's not sure whether he's in a funk because of seeing Kurt or whether seeing Kurt has put him in a funk. When he gets home he writes like he's possessed, churning out two chapters of one of his stories in a couple of hours. No smut, but more angsty drama which is pretty much unnecessary, but it helps him process some of his current thoughts and feelings. He might not even use the chapters, but right now he's able to identify that he's confused.

His feelings for Kurt, the deep knowledge that he's in love with him, is something he knows is a base truth in his life, even if Kurt refuses to accept it. It doesn’t make it any less true. He'd never thought that he was gay, just that he hadn't met the right girl. When he'd seen Kurt Hummel walking toward him one day in freshman year he'd felt his world stop. And then spent the rest of the year in quiet denial, hoping against hope that it was just Kurt Hummel he was attracted to. It wasn’t, and that's why he's been scared shitless for the last three and a half years of his life.

Denial hadn't worked. So sophomore year he'd tried not-so- quiet denial and it had only made things worse. Junior year he'd swung between wanting to erase Kurt's sheer existence, to wanting to just grab him and kiss him. And he knows how badly all that worked out. Before Junior year physical violence has never been part of his nature off the field or rink, and he knows what he'd resorted to was wrong, but his frustration, fear and anger had coalesced into lashing out. At the wrong person and his friends, ensuring their animosity; probably for the rest of his life.

Kurt has always drawn out the worst in him, but he knows without his inner fears, Kurt would bring out the best in him. Now he feels likes he's made things as right between him and Kurt as possible, resigned himself to forever carrying an unrequited torch and hoping that the best he gets from Kurt is indifference. He doesn’t want a pity party thrown for him, and he’s pretty sure that’s what Kurt had been trying to do earlier.

Do you believe in karma?

He hovers over the ‘send private message’ button and he sighs, contemplates deleting it and then clicks anyway. He’s sent worse and far more personal things to FruitLover, but they’ve generally stayed away from really deep stuff, keeping it fairly light, friendly and well, if he’s honest, and he’s trying to be honest… some of the messages are smutty. He’s pretty sure he could convince FruitLover to create an AIM account or something so they could chat properly but the way things work now is comfortable and he’s got enough change going on in his real life at the moment without mixing it up online as well. Although if FruitLover suggests it he’ll jump at the chance.

OAA

It's odd, but even after David has left he stays on his mind. Blaine is talking about a new guy he has met and the fact he has a date tonight. He doesn’t even feel a pang that he’s single, a fact he kind of likes, being independent and happy that he’s single. He’s done the boyfriend in high school thing, and while it hasn’t worked out the ease in which him and Blaine have slipped back into being friends and discussing other guys is clearly indicative that their friendship is much stronger than their romantic relationship ever was.

He heads home, his feet still aching and sorts out a mini-foot-spa. He knows there’s meant to be a new chapter tonight, but the times which HookedonHope updates vary. He turns his e-mail alerts volume on, and relaxes, taking the time to massage his feet, although the touch is almost painful. He’s left his shopping in their bags, it’s only going to be packed away anyway when he moves to New York, and he kind of wants to start packing already, but not. It’s a massive final step, moving out of home, even knowing he’ll be back at every opportunity.

*BING*

He almost drops his phone in the foot spa in his rush to pick it up, and that would be disastrous. He almost expects it to only be an e-mail alert for Facebook or something but it’s not. A message from HookedonHope. Five words and he re-reads them and slides his phone back onto the vanity. He dries his feet, cutting the foot spa short, but he’s not going to type a reply on his phone. He thinks over the question as he starts up his computer and sits down, curling his now slightly-less-sore feet beneath him.

Karma. That bad people deserve bad things to happen to them? Well, I’d like to believe in it. But sometimes the opposite seems true. Nothing bad seems to happen to them. And bad stuff happens to good people all the time. It’s like believing in reincarnation, and that good and bad deeds follow you forward. I’d hate to think I wouldn’t start off with a fresh slate each time, but I’d like to think that if karma and reincarnation and things like that do exist then I haven’t led such a bad life so far. I’m not perfect, but I try to be a good person, and treat others with respect, but sometimes other people are idiots and it’s hard.

He sends the message and the re-reads it and cringes. He sounds flippant and he’s pretty sure HookedonHope meant it seriously. He sighs and starts typing again.

Sorry. I didn’t mean for that to sound like it did. I don’t care what people believe as long as they don’t expect me to believe it as well. I think everyone should treat others the way they wish to be treated, but that’s incredibly idealistic. I suppose I am a bit cynical with being out in high school and the things I’ve had to deal with because of that. Has something happened?

He hadn’t thought before, that maybe something has happened to HookedonHope, something bad, and he bites his lip. Apart from this tenuous connection through this website he has no way of knowing he’s alright and he feels a little ridiculous that he cares so much, but he’s gone from just caring about the stories updating to caring more about the author and whether he’s okay. He’s obviously okay enough to be typing and sending messages, but that’s not always a true indication that someone is okay.

I’m fine. Nothing has happened. Just me having a drama queen moment. Apparently I’m just as able to have them as the next gay guy. Who knew?

Are you sure? I’m here if you need to talk. About anything.

Thanks, but I got that covered with some of my other online friends.

Kurt stares at the words and feels rejected and rebuffed in a way he’d never have expected over the internet.

Sorry, I mean, they’ve known me longer, know some of the shit I’ve dealt with. It’s in my past mostly and I’d rather not bring it all up again if that’s okay? It’s not that I don’t want to share it with you, it’s just… not something I like talking about.

Maybe some other time then?

Maybe.

OAA

Monday at school he goes in early, wanting to hit the gym as per his training schedule, zoning out, listening to his iPod blast some heavy punk rock and when a shadow passes over him he startles, and Nick is looming over him and he swallows nervously. The intensity with which Nick is staring at him is kind of unnerving and he's suddenly aware that he's alone with a guy significantly larger than him, and holy shit, how did Kurt follow him into the locker that time? He clearly has none of the adrenaline or balls that Kurt clearly had running after him and his heart speeds up, glad he’s already sweating because it hides the fact he’s just broken into a cold sweat.

"Hey man, how's it going?" He asks, pulling his ear buds out, because it’s easier than trying to turn the things down or off with sweaty hands. He needs to play it cool.

"Fine. Good,” Nick states, and he sits down on the bench opposite him, still watching him intently before glancing around quickly. “Look man, I gotta ask. Are you gay?”

He blinks. His heart is in his throat already and he's pretty sure he's going to throw up but the calm way Nick has asked the question makes him pause. Nick checked to ensure they were alone before he asked, so… he takes in a deep shuddery breath. Maybe things aren’t so bad.

 “Look man, I don’t care if you are. And you don't have to say anything. I get it. I asked my brother and he said to not scare you or some shit."

“Is your brother gay?” Dave asks, and his hands are shaking slightly.

“What? No!”

The curled lip, pulling back and face distorting in disgust. There’s the homophobia he’s come to expect. Although, given his personal history… he hopes Nick isn’t trying to hit on him or something, because that would be awkward.

“Then why exactly are you asking me? Alone? It’s pretty suspicious.”

“Dude. I’m not gay. Neither is my brother. But my brother’s best friend is gay, and he’s like a brother. I’m not stupid man. I saw you on Valentine’s Day, and you haven’t actually come out and told me you aren’t gay. So, are you gay?”

“What is this? Ask me if I’m gay week?” Dave mutters, glancing around, but the room is still surprisingly empty. First his dad and now this… whatever this is. “I’m not saying it. But I’m not…” he pauses and takes another deep breath. “I’m not denying it either.”

Nick nods and stands up again, rubbing his hands on his pants.

“Right. Sweet. Okay dude. I’m not going to tell anyone or anything okay?”

“Yeah. I’ve heard that before,” Dave shrugs, but the fact that Nick hasn’t said anything about Valentine’s Day for the last two and a half months means he probably means what he says.

“John just thought you might need a friend or something, he said that when Rob came out to him he was terrified, and figured you probably are too. Is it why you transferred?”

Dave snorts in bemusement, because if only things were that simple.

“You want to hear the full story?” Nick nods. “Then you might want to sit down again, it’s kind of long.”

Nick sits back down and he explains what he did at McKinley, the bullying, the Bullywhips, Valentine’s Day, Kurt… Nick listens, laughs at bits and stares at him with the same intense look he’s been sporting ever since Valentine’s Day.

“Dude. That’s… screwed up. But I think you already know that. I get it though, I used to bully kids as well, and then John pretty much hit me round the head. And I don’t mean that in a metaphorical way, he took his shoe and hit he on the side of the head with it. He’s… a good role model, and if you want to talk to him, or Rob, just let me know. They’re both at college, but there’s Facebook and shit.”

This is the last thing he expected when he came to school today, but he feels the most relaxed he has in ages. He can tell Nick isn’t completely okay with him being gay, but is obviously trying and he kind of wishes he had an older brother that could have hit him around the head before he’d gotten to such a bad place with Kurt. He’s pretty sure his life would be a completely different story now if that was the case.

PART ELEVEN